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June 17th, 2009: Muscle-Bound Log #7: Failure
No, I haven’t failed. I’m actually still going strong. But as someone who believes that the journey is often more important than the goal, there’s something strange to be found in weight lifting and dieting. Often, the training and food regimen are all about the results and rarely about the journey. Even though I’ve tried to switch it around, with the experience being a large part of why I’m doing this, there’s still the thought of a goal to be reached and won. There’s still the thought of crossing the finish line, and that brings a smile to my face even though I know I’m doing this for life. So that brings me to the middle sister of success… failure. We are terrified of failure. It paralyzes us from acting in the first place sometimes, and it becomes the silent excuse, the one people never express. I experience minor surges of it when I come to my weekly weigh-in, or I do my monthly fitness assessment. I scrutinize ever inch of my progress and I doubt my gains. And I’m left believing that somewhere along the way, I backslid or that what I’m seeing isn’t accurate. Further out, the fear manifests as another failed diet and another return to my weight plus the interest I’ve accumulated. I’ve rebounded before and I’ll rebound again, my fear tells me. A friend called me brave for what I’m doing, but the fact is I’m not a brave person. I just try to do brave things (sometimes just to spite myself). But fear of failure remains one of my demons and I know most people share it as well. If given the choice between it and never trying in the first place, how many of us would opt for the latter? How many of us would prefer never to have tried? If you knew you were going to fail, would you try anyways? Is it the result or the experience that matters? I see my 43rd birthday approaching, and I’m hit with the worry that my own novels won’t see print (so I likely drive my agent crazy with questions). I see the various pant sizes and clothes that I’ve worn over the decades, and I worry that I can’t maintain what I’ve started (I’ve been here before, will I be here again?) I worry about things that I have no right worrying about, and then I worry about the fact that I worry too much. What keeps the fear at bay isn’t the success, though that helps tremendously. It’s the knowledge that I’m trying, so I guess the answer to my own bolded question is: It’s the experience that matters to me. Step by step. What helps is a sense of hindsight, the ability to look back on what I’ve done and take measure of the whole. I used this approach with my writing, to remind myself where I started and where I’ve come with it. I recently realized that I have to do the same with my weight training. This occurred to me after the results of my last fitness exam. The trainer told me I’d gained about 2.5 pounds of muscle, as opposed to five pounds the month before. Instantly, the nagging doubts raised their voice in chorus and I wondered where I’d faltered. I hadn’t failed, but was I succeeding? Up close, it looked like depreciable returns on my investment, but I forgot to look at the larger picture. In two months, I gained eight pounds of muscles. That’s 800 extra calories a day that I’m burning, and it took both months to get here. Without the last month, I’d still be at five pounds of muscle, not eight. Fear makes it hard to see the forest from the trees, but you can always step back and take a wider angle of the view. So, I approach my 43rd birthday and I remind myself that 43 isn’t the finish line any more than today was. Not as a writer and not as someone watching their health. When I hit 43, it’ll be the culmination of all the steps I took. It’ll be the sum of trying, failing, succeeding and ultimately learning because I chose experience over failure. And now, I’d like to share with you the results of the diet to date. April 6th June 15th Weight 282 lbs 258 lbs Fat % 36% 27% Lean Body Mass 180.48 lbs 188.34 lbs Fat Body Mass 101.52 lbs 69.66 lbs And since pictures speak louder than words: 23 Responses to “Muscle-Bound Log #7: Failure”Leave a ReplyTo contact me: lsoulban@hotmail.com Proudly powered by WordPress | Entries (RSS) and Comments (RSS) |
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I still say you’re brave. Not just for doing this, but for telling others about it. The fear is natural, it helps motivate you and makes you realize things are changing. Change is scary–but how you are facing that fear is defined as bravery.
The pictures don’t show the change in attitude that you’ve “suffered” through this. You have more energy, you’re more up-beat and more positive. Not always, but certainly more often than before. In addition, you’re motivated.
Congratulations. Yet another step on a journey that I hope lasts you a lifetime and brings you the results you want (not just the weight-loss, but the increased lifespan due to health, mental fitness, and many many writing contracts & book sales).
Thanks, Reb. It’s always appreciated.
This is marvelous, Lucien. I’m thrilled for you and excited for your journey.
When we met a few years ago, it seemed like a cosmic contact of some sort (I love when that happens) and seeing your blog today adds a bit of validation to the point. I started a similar program on nearly the same day (april 9th for me), for similar reasons. I am certainly not brave enough to blog my progress, but I’m so thankful that you are. It’s good to know that my Soulban brother is on a parallel journey–you’re an inspiration!
With Gratitude,
Fran
Holy mackerel, look at the pic of your profile! What a difference! And the numbers! You lost almost 10% body fat! WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! I’m very impressed. You’re doing amazing. I wish I had your determination.
Thank you, Fran. I’d really love to hear about your progress as well, even if through private emails. And yeah, it was a pleasure meeting you in that “I’d really like to know her better” cosmic kind of way.
Thank you, Caycee. And I think you have more determination than me… it takes a strong person to raise a child, but then I knew that about you from way back when. I can’t wait to see you in August.
Looking good, Loosh! Glad to see your determination paying off. Losing 24 pounds in just over two months is astounding by any measure.
That is remarkable, Lucien! Good for you. As someone who’s always struggled with weight (up-down-up), I recognize and admire your tenacity. Much continued success!
Best,
Vince
Thanks, Matt… I appreciate it.
Thank you, Vince. I appreciate the kind words and I really understand where you’re coming from. I wish you luck in your future endeavors as well.
You’re so motivated, and also doing a brave thing; sharing it with so many! Congrats on all your hard work. Hope to see you this summer!
What really caught my eye in your photos is the expressions on your face. In the first set of photos, you look almost sad, and perhaps defiant. In the second set you look much prouder and more sure of yourself. It’s like the first set was saying,
“This is what you get. Love me anyway.”
While the second set says:
“This is what you get … and it’s awesome.”
Okay, Karen… that had me laughing. I’ll admit to the boost in self-confidence, but I deny thinking I’m awesome… much : D
Just wow. I’m inspired
Impressive results! Just two months and you’ve lost noticeable weight — just compare the chin and stomach areas to see how far you’ve come in such a short time. And is that definition I’m starting to see around those biceps, hmm?
Thank you, Robyn… there’ll be less of me to give you those bear hugs, but still enough to make them worth it : D
Thanks, V! Yeah, the definition is starting to show in the shoulders and calves mostly, where the fat is less. Biceps aren’t too bad, though.
Okay, my Soulban brother–as requested, my progress as of today…drum roll, please…23 lbs lost on the Friel Chub Reduction Plan: high protein, low carb, daily exercise, yoga, Pilates, therapy, nutrition counseling; all orchestrated by a cool Yale doc, Reza Yavari. He’s an endocrinologist and author of IT MUST BE MY METABOLISM. His program is called, Beyond Care. It’s a good, sensible comprehensive program that’s doable for life. So far so good.
Wishing you continued success on your journey, my friend. You’ll be in my thoughts.
Hope to see you at Necon!
Fran, that’s great… congratulations! Continued health and success on your journey. Sadly, no NeCon for me this year, but I’m aiming for next year.
You are awesome! (And inspiring too!)
Thank you, Maia!
Incredible results! Keep up the fantastic work.
And still you don’t smile in the pictures? Bummer.
I’m smiling a lot more in real life, Daniel. My friends have seen an upswing in my attitude. I’m even smiling now, though that may be in anticipation of my nap.